Love and romance: Part II

Bob Dylan wrote “The Times They are a Changin’” and that was certainly true in the dating world. I knew people who found a partner online, mostly 30 something’s, and decided to give it a try.

I researched dating sites the way I used to research stocks, with the same confidence that I’d make an “ informed” decision. I started with JDate and Our Time, but they were each too limiting — my religion is hugely important to me, but it only mattered that the man I chose respected it, and the “senior” dating sites were depressing — I didn’t want age to be our common denominator.

I then did a “trial run” on Match.com and that seemed ideal for me though it was not totally reliable, not always credible, certainly not algorithmically accurate, but replete with SO many good selections.

It’s challenging to create a profile, and I was wary of revealing too much but wanted to be clear about my negotiables (religion, career, education, widowed/ divorced, children) and non- negotiables (politics, sense of humor, motivation, compassion). I made sure my photos were recent and relevant and highlighted my career, travel, sense of humor, independence, focus on social justice, and total DIS-interest in sports. I provided my first name but was vague about other details (employer, alma mater) which would make me easy to Google.

Fortunately I was a salesman for 40 years and could handle rejection, because it came fast and furious. I initially contacted many men but so few got back to me; I reassured myself that it wasn’t “personal” — they didn’t even know me. It made me wary of continuing, (although I was in the City and had four dates the first week which felt like a good start, including two dates with one man). I recognized the challenges with online dating, encountering more problems than solutions: one man asked to see me again and ,when I readily agreed, told me he had a girlfriend but she worked evenings; another had NO internet presence and implied it was because he worked for a high level secret government agency. I realized quickly that I had to learn to manage expectations, and, as the saying goes, trust but verify.

A week later Covid started, I moved to the country, and everything changed — I could chat but not meet anyone. I learned to avoid crazies, phonies, predators, men who were unsuitable, and just took my time. I learned to ask last names so I could Google them, and insisted on FaceTime to confirm who they were. I expected to return to the City after Covid, and “met” a man who seemed perfect — highly educated, funny, sensitive, and we FaceTimed daily for months until we finally met in person. All the indications were perfect — we even predicted Match would use our narrative in ther ads — but he was really tied to the City and had zero interest in the country — confirmed when he spent a weekend and couldn’t wait to get on the train home.

After a few more dates (in the city!) I ended it.

I was clearly better off dating locally (and maybe Boston and DC), and that first summer primarily dated a retired engineer who had taken up watercolor painting — we had wonderful dates visiting every outdoor sculpture park we could find, but having lived with a fabulously talented artist, I frankly couldn’t “relate” to this man’s work, let alone live with it.

I spent a year dating men from Match and never had a really bad date, but during online chats came across one fellow whose ex-wife had a restraining order against him; another who described himself as a petroleum engineer and gemologist, and I discovered he was wanted for swindling a woman he met online out of $75,000; one who turned blatantly anti-Semitic when I suggested we weren’t a great match; one was described himself as “gender fluid” and told me if we were to meet he couldn’t guarantee he’d come dressed as a man; and one who sent me home from our FIRST date with a draft of his autobiography. That said , I also met several lovely men who were just not what I was looking for.

Please reach out to Gwen with your thoughts or questions at GwenG@millertonnews.com

Gwen lives in Pine Plains with her partner Dennis, her puppy Charlie, and two Angus cows (who are also retired!).

Latest News

Participants at annual conference encouraged to ThinkDifferently by respecting evolving etiquette norms

Top row (left to right): Panelist Shadei Williams; Dana Hopkins, Dutchess County All Abilities Program Director; panelist Johnny Vacca; Dutchess County Executive Sue Serino. Bottom row: (left to right): Panelist Wayne Robinson; panelist Tracy Wallace; panelist Samantha Van Alstyne

Provided

HYDE PARK, N.Y. — On Thursday, Dec. 5, the annual ThinkDifferently conference was held at the Henry A. Wallace Visitor and Educational Center in Hyde Park, New York. The conference strived to enlighten participants on evolving protocols for addressing and collaborating with individuals with challenges.

Hosted by Dana Hopkins, program director of All Abilities at the Department of Behavioral and Community Health, ThinkDifferently is an initiative first launched in 2015 by former county executive Marc Molinaro with a goal to provide services to individuals with varying abilities and guidance for others such as businesses and communities to help create a more inclusive society.

Keep ReadingShow less
Shooting the breeze with Christopher Little

Martin Tandler

Little with his dog, Ruby.

"What I really feel lucky about is having had the chance to meet and photograph so many people who had a real impact on our lives,” said Christopher Little whose new memoir, “Shooting the Breeze: Memories of a Photojournalist” was just released. The book is as eclectic and colorful as the man himself and offers an intimate look into Little’s globe-trotting career spent behind the lens, capturing some of the most iconic figures, events, and human stories of the past half-century.

In 2021, the Dolph Briscoe Center for American History at The University of Texas acquired Little’s photographic archive.

Keep ReadingShow less
Cold Spring, a not-so-hidden Hudson Valley gem

“Cold Spring, NY” depicts life in a notable Hudson River town with a rich history and much natural beauty.

Krista A. Briggs

According to Alissa Malnati, co-creator of the new coffee table tome, “Cold Spring, NY”, after twenty-five years in the urban jungle, it was time to go in search of a cure for the angst which, for some, can come with metropolitan living. “My husband and I were soul sick,” explained Malnati of the couple’s move to Cold Spring, a Hudson River town located in leafy Putnam County. “We were seeking restoration and quiet, and to be in nature, away from the hustle and bustle of the city.”

The time was right for a move in 2021. The Malnatis relocated from busy Brooklyn to a tranquil mountaintop abode which allowed them to decompress without the intrusion of cell phones and ceaseless city noise. With the shift to the Hudson Valley, Alissa, a writer and fashion executive, and her husband, Will, a podcaster and television producer, found the peace they were searching for in Cold Spring, a semi-rural town known for its boutiques, antique shops, and world-class hiking trails.

Keep ReadingShow less