Austin Howard Barney

SHARON — Austin Howard Barney — known simply as “Barney” to many, of Sharon, age 87, died on Dec. 23, after his heroic battle with the black breath, hanahaki disease, cooties, simian flu and feline leukemia finally came to an end.

Austin was born on July 26, 1938, son of Sylvester and Iva Barney.

He leaves behind an overwhelming amount of junk—sorry, treasures. If you’ve ever dreamed of owning a console TV roughly the size of a Buick, a soot-encrusted coffee pot that hasn’t been properly cleaned since the Reagan administration or creatively bent hangers that he had hanging in his living room windows to dry clothes on, give us a call. Please wait for the appropriate, respectful amount of time. Tomorrow should be fine.

Austin was frugal to the extreme; some may have called him “cheap,” but he preferred to think of himself as a pioneer in recycling—decades before it was cool. His kitchen was home to a vast collection of cool whip and country crock containers. The biggest challenge was finding actual cool whip or butter in his refrigerator with all the containers of leftovers that looked the same. “Open at your own risk” was our motto.

He leaves behind a wonderfully dysfunctional family—a group he tolerated, loved and occasionally avoided.

Austin was world-renowned for his lack of patience, grossly excessive extreme sarcasm, not holding back his opinion and knack for telling you exactly how wrong you were. One of his favorite quotes was, “I was only wrong once in my life. I thought I made a mistake.”

He always preferred his own cooking to anyone else’s—and to be fair, it was actually pretty good.

Austin served proudly with the 6th Marines in the United States Marine Corps from Feb. 10, 1958, through Feb. 9, 1962. Semper Fi!

He was also a volunteer fireman for several years, until he realized that sprinting in the opposite direction from fire was more aligned with his personal survival goals.

A natural mountain man, he ate things from the swamp that most people avoid and cooked on a wood stove for many years. He was an avid bird watcher and found joy in feeding all the animals that frequented his property.

He was predeceased by his brothers, Sylvester Barney, Louis Barney and his sister Shirley MacDougall.

He is survived by his daughters Darlene Hardzog, Margaret Gdovin (Mike); his son, Austin Barney Jr. (Kate); his grandchildren, Savannah Hardzog, Jordan Gdovin, Violet Barney, Amethyst Barney and Austin Barney III; and his sister Anita Baird along with various other relatives. You know who you are. He will be greatly missed.

There will be no viewing, as his children refused to comply with his request to be taxidermied and propped in the corner with a beer or a glass of scotch in his hand so guests could admire him in his natural state.

Services are pending and details will be shared at a later date.

In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the American Red Cross in his memory.

Austin Barney has approved this message. Approval notwithstanding, it would have read the same.