MILLERTON — Christophe Armero thinks talking about death is a good thing.
That’s why he started a “Death Cafe” at Tri-Corner F.E.E.D., a regular event at the South Center Street store where people are invited to enjoy coffee, cake and casual conversations about death. The next event is scheduled for Wednesday, April 29, at 6 p.m.
Armero described the cafe event as an opportunity for people to freely and openly discuss death with no agenda.
“The more you know about death, the more comfortable you are with death,” Armero said. “The better use you’ll be able to make of your limited life.”
The conversations serve as a form of meditation, Armero said, drawing on the work of Swiss sociologist Bernard Crettaz. Englishman Jon Underwood further developed these ideas in 2010, creating the Death Cafe model and hosting the first event at his home in England in 2011.
Since then, more than 23,000 Death Cafe events have been held across the globe, according to deathcafe.com, including Armero’s first in Millerton on March 25.
Those interested in attending the upcoming Death Cafe event in April at Tri-Corner F.E.E.D. can sign up by searching for “Millerton Death Cafe” on www.eventbrite.com.
Armero said his recent Death Cafe was the first held in Millerton in more than a decade. A series of gatherings took place in 2013 and 2014 at Irving Farm Coffee House on Main Street, with a handful of additional events in nearby Falls Village and Great Barrington in 2019 and 2020. While interest in Death Cafes has grown, offerings remain scarce within 100 miles of Millerton.
Death Cafes aim to get people talking openly about death and dying, Armero said, but are not intended to serve as grief counseling sessions. Participants are encouraged to steer the conversation in whatever direction they feel comfortable — a central tenet of the Death Cafe philosophy, according to the organization’s website.
“There’s no therapist here telling you what to do,” Armero said. “Everyone here is talking from their own experiences and sharing their stories.”
Death Cafe allows individuals to host their own events under its name and list them on the organization’s website, provided they adhere to its guiding principles. Chief among those are that gatherings have no set agenda, remain confidential and include cake.
Armero said he hopes the conversations will draw a diverse group of participants, and by that measure, the first event in March was a success. He said many attendees are facing an anticipated loss and come seeking to better prepare.
“We had young people, middle-aged people and old people at this meeting,” Armero said. “It was pretty cool how we had a little bit of everything.”
While Death Cafes are not therapy, Armero said the conversations can benefit people anticipating a loss, those who have recently experienced one and even those who have not. He added that while the concept may seem morbid, the conversations themselves are not.
“It’s just regular people who want to know about death,” Armero said.
One common topic at Death Cafes is the process of dying, Armero said. What happens to a person under end-of-life care or in hospice is not commonly discussed, he said, leading to increased strife for family members or loved ones watching someone die.
Armero’s Death Cafe is sponsored by Tri-Corner F.E.E.D. and East Mountain House, a Salisbury, Connecticut, based end-of-life care provider that offers an alternative to hospice care.
East Mountain House operates under Buddhist-influenced philosophies that emphasize meditation and encourage regularly reflecting on death, Armero said. He added that his own experience with Buddhism and meditation led him to Death Cafes and has helped him process grief in his own life.
Armero’s first experience with a significant loss came in 2012 when his son died of suicide at age 19. Armero described that loss as a terrible shock that set him down the path of exploring grief and death and eventually becoming a certified bereavement counsellor and running a suicide bereavement support group online with his wife, Jennie Baird.
Armero and Baird, who live in Sharon, Connecticut, now spend their retirement making chocolate under the name Mudgetown Chocolate in Tri-Corner F.E.E.D.’s kitchen on South Center Street and volunteering with community organizations across New York and Connecticut.
Armero is also registered as a death doula, a term that refers to people who guide terminal patients and older people through the final stages of life just before death. Armero considers death to be one of his passions, after more than a decade of studying grief and counselling people through bereavement.
Armero hopes the Death Cafe can promote an appreciation for death, or at least more comfort with it.
“The more aware you are of death, the less it scares you and the better you can deal with it,” Armero said. “Your own and the death of your loved ones.”
