Salisbury Forum reflects on pervasive loneliness

Salisbury Forum reflects on pervasive loneliness

Casper ter Kuile spoke at the Salisbury Forum on Friday, May 9 at the Salisbury School offering insights on the impact of higher rates of people living alone and fewer close relations among all age groups.

Alec Linden

SALISBURY — Writer, podcast creator and relationship theorist Casper ter Kuile spoke at the Salisbury Forum May 9 to offer his insights on the modern loneliness crisis, delivering a stimulating talk on how the ancient act of covenant may offer a salve for increasing social disconnect in the United States.

The evening was hosted at Salisbury School’s Miles P.H. Siefert ’53 Theater.

Early in the presentation, ter Kuile related an anecdote from his youth at a boarding school: “Being in this beautiful school campus is reminding me a little bit of that childhood.” He said he was an “awkward” child when he was around 10 and struggled with friendships with his classmates.

As a solution, he developed a points system for each other boy based on “how nice he’d been to [him] that day.” At the end of the week, “whoever had the highest score was my best friend,” he related to a chorus of laughs from the audience.

“It was a lonely childhood,” he said, breaking into laughter himself.

The loneliness his talk addressed though was a more pervasive kind than mere adolescent awkwardness, one that is deeply rooted in culture and economics and affects many in the U.S. and beyond.

“Hanging out with friends, dating people, working life — all drastically down amongst our younger generation,” adding that the phenomenon of loneliness is not unique to young people, but other factors such as higher rates of living alone and fewer close relationships — both family and friends — affect all age groups. “One in four Americans say they have no one to talk to about the most meaningful things in their lives,” he added. “And that includes family members.”

Ter Kuile explained that these statistics are not without cause. Individualism, as it is “baked into” Western politics, democracy and culture, has turned us largely away from each other and toward ourselves.

Ter Kuile’s practice of scoring his classmates is an example of the “commodification of relationships,” he said — a “give and take” model of connecting with others.

New technologies have also contributed in surprising ways. He recounted an example told to him by a fisherman about a practice in bygone days of sharing the catch with neighbors when there was surplus. Since the advent of the freezer, the fisherman told him, the tradition disappeared as people could store their fish for themselves to have later.

One of ter Kuile’s major points described the disappearance of “containers” for social connection, the term he applies for large cultural meeting points and organizations, such as a church. With an academic background in theology, he said he’s curious about what happens when these centers for community ritual disappear.

He posited the “philosophy and practice” of “covenant” as a balm to these disappearing and eroding social resources — a vulnerable, commitment-oriented relationship that helps people transition from “independent to mutually dependable.”

Ter Kuile asked audience members to turn to their seat neighbor and talk about covenants they would like to forge in their own lives. Beth and Bruce, a couple from Cornwall, said that they both had ideas: Beth would like to be a resource and helpful presence in her grandchildren’s lives as they “spread their wings” into adolescence, while Bruce said he’d like to help a former coworker navigate the retirement process.

When ter Kuile opened the floor for questions, an audience member called for Mary Campbell to stand and speak about the non-profit she founded in 2006, Walking our Talk. Based in Berkshire County, the group offers a community hub for women both established in the area or new to town, which Campbell said had been deeply valuable for herself and other women as a new type of social “container.”

After the event had ended, Campbell said she had been “just so inspired” by ter Kuile’s words as they helped her reflect on her own experiences of community and intimacy. “Everything he talked about just jazzes me up,” she said.

As the audience filtered out of the theater, several attendees approached Campbell hoping to learn more about the non-profit.

Ter Kuile’s most direct summary of his philosophy of connection was in response to a question posed by Salisbury Forum Vice President Sarah Tennyson, who asked about the value in forming a covenant with oneself.

“I think we’re a little obsessed with ourselves,” he responded. Rather than follow the age-old guidance of looking within for answers, he suggested that perhaps it is time to look towards each other.

Latest News

Living art takes center stage in the Berkshires

Contemporary chamber musicians, HUB, performing at The Clark.

D.H. Callahan

Northwestern Massachusetts may sometimes feel remote, but last weekend it felt like the center of the contemporary art world.

Within 15 miles of each other, MASS MoCA in North Adams and the Clark Art Institute in Williamstown showcased not only their renowned historic collections, but an impressive range of living artists pushing boundaries in technology, identity and sound.

Keep ReadingShow less
Persistently amplifying women’s voices

Francesca Donner, founder and editor of The Persistent. Subscribe at thepersistent.com.

Aly Morrissey

Francesca Donner pours a cup of tea in the cozy library of Troutbeck’s Manor House in Amenia, likely a habit she picked up during her formative years in the United Kingdom. Flanked by old books and a roaring fire, Donner feels at home in the quiet room, where she spends much of her time working as founder, editor and CEO of The Persistent, a journalism platform created to amplify women’s voices.

Although her parents are American and she spent her earliest years in New York City and Litchfield County — even attending Washington Montessori School as a preschooler — Donner moved to England at around five years old and completed most of her education there. Her accent still bears the imprint of what she describes as a traditional English schooling.

Keep ReadingShow less
google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.

Jarrett Porter on the enduring power of Schubert’s ‘Winterreise’
Baritone Jarrett Porter to perform Schubert’s “Winterreise”
Tim Gersten

On March 7, Berkshire Opera Festival will bring “Winterreise” to Studio E at Tanglewood’s Linde Center for Music and Learning, with baritone Jarrett Porter and BOF Artistic Director and pianist Brian Garman performing Franz Schubert’s haunting 24-song setting of poems by Wilhelm Müller.

A rejected lover. A frozen landscape. A mind unraveling in real time. Nearly 200 years after its premiere, “Winterreise” remains unnervingly current in its psychological portrait of isolation, heartbreak and existential drift.

Keep ReadingShow less
A grand finale for Crescendo’s 22nd season

Christine Gevert, artistic director, brings together international and local musicians for a season of rare works.

Stephen Potter

Crescendo, the Lakeville-based nonprofit specializing in early and rarely performed classical music, will close its 22nd season with a slate of spring concerts featuring international performers, local musicians and works by pioneering composers from the Baroque era to the 20th century.

Christine Gevert, the organization’s artistic director, has gathered international vocal and instrumental talent, blending it with local voices to provide Berkshire audiences with rare musical treats.

Keep ReadingShow less
NECC ‘Craft Collective’ offers space to create

Ash Baldwin, senior administrative assistant at the North East Community Center, launched the weekly Craft Collective in July 2025.

Photo by Aly Morrissey

MILLERTON — A new low-key crafting group at the North East Community Center (NECC) is giving locals a reason to finally finish those half-started projects, providing a space for craft lovers to work in community and exchange tips and tricks.

The weekly “Craft Collective,” – launched in July 2025 by staff member Ash Baldwin – invites community members to bring their own crafts and work alongside others in a casual, social setting. The free program is part of NECC’s broader effort to offer accessible, community-building programming.

Keep ReadingShow less
google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.

google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.