Schlock and Awful: winter edition

The Lakeville Journal’s Bad Cinema desk sincerely hopes everyone had something better to do last summer than sit inside and watch appallingly bad movies. Anything would do. Hiking. Antiquing. Going for coffee.

Even — and we realize this is strong stuff — writing poetry.

But now, winter is here. For those looking to while away the hours during the hibernation period, here are five more of the most spectacularly bad flicks currently available on streaming services such as Tubi, Freevee, and Sickee, not to mention Plex, Yecch and Blecch.

“Silent Madness” (1984): This ‘80s slasher was originally in 3D. Nobody cares but there it is. The best film ever shot in Nyack, New York, the cast includes some names regular people may have seen in normal movies. Loony bin in New Jersey lets psycho killer out by mistake, and psycho killer starts picking off sorority girls. Starts off nicely with death by vise grip, but then a whole lot of plot intervenes. Really bad mise-en-scene. As Jean-Luc Godard once said, “Le pfui.”

“Deliria” aka “Stage Fright” (1987): Italian slasher, in which the cast and crew of a play about a serial killer called the Night Owl are locked into the theater by the tyrannical director until they get the darn thing right. Well, the joke’s on Mr. Big Shot Director because local psycho Wallace is also in the theater, and he starts killing everybody. And he does this while dressed as a big owl. With plucky heroine and ambiguous ending.

“Truck Turner” (1974): Isaac Hayes is Truck Turner, bail bondsman and smooth lover, forced by circumstances beyond his control to clean up the streets and get his jailbird girlfriend a kitten. With gratuitous nekkidity and unironic fried chicken. The terrific soundtrack by Hayes adds a great deal, with toe-tapping, car-crashing numbers such as “Pursuit of the Pimpmobile,” “Hospital Shootout,” and “Drinking.”

“Exterminators of the Year 3000” (1983): Aka “Mildly Miffed Max,” this Road Warrior rip-off was made in Italy and Spain for about $11.87 (that’s $37.62 in today’s dollars). The big difference between this and the Mad Max films, besides talent, is in this one it’s water, not gasoline, that everybody’s after. There are a lot of cars crashing around and some weird dialogue that doesn’t make much sense and girls in leather pants which must have been really uncomfortable in the desert.

“Shrunken Heads” (1994): Here at The Lakeville Journal’s Bad Cinema desk, we like to save the worst for last. This flick, brought to you from the entire Elfman family, neatly and concisely explains why it’s never a good idea to get too close to your local voodoo practitioner. (A simple “Hello, how are you?” will suffice.) This incredibly strange film should have made “Eat Da Whizzo” a national catchphrase, but didn’t. With shrunken head sex, sort of, and righteous retribution against the bad guys. Highly recommended, especially if you’re in traction.