Soap opera

I don’t watch regular soap operas; I don’t have to. If I want to get my fill of scandal, cheating and general chicanery, I just turn on the sports channel.

The latest hot topic is spin. No, I don’t mean the propaganda coming from Washington, although that dips, dives and flutters like a good knuckleball. No, I mean the spin pitchers are putting on the ball, the amount of which is greater than at any time in recorded history and makes batters feel that something has been added to the pitcher’s arsenal, something not allowed by the rule book.

Yessir, it’s a scandal, one that has the airwaves humming and the commentators commentating. Maybe we should call this show “As The Ball Spins” or “All My Curves And Sliders.”

We all know batting averages are down; so there has to be a culprit somewhere, and the search is on to see who is at fault and what can be done about it. Serious stuff indeed.

So what are these nasty fellows up to? It seems that they are “loading the baseball,” not that this is anything new. Everyone knows that there are three ways to do it: scuff the ball, grease the ball or gunk the ball. It’s that last one that has the air wave fellas fulminating.

You probably have never heard of something called Spider Tack. I never had until one intrepid reporter mentioned it. It seems that World’s Strongest Man contestants use this gunk when they heave around those boulders that Sisyphus left at the bottom of the mountain. I’m going to assume that this is not something that you do for pleasure or profit; so I imagine that you are in the dark about this stuff as much as I was. But I guess it is really sticky.

So the pitcher in question puts a bit of it in the web of his glove, rubs the baseball against it and then delivers a slider that falls off the table by putting his index finger on the goop and turning the ball over. Hitter has no chance.

Cheating? Yes indeed! Scandalous? Maybe not so much.

Pete Alonso, the Mets slugger, when asked about it, said that he was in favor of anything that gave the pitchers more control. Seems like he is not in favor of getting a 95 mph, out of control, fastball in the face the way one of his teammates did. Coward! These youngsters just haven’t got the right stuff!

So there you have it: the latest installment of The Baseball Soaps. Stay tuned, because there will certainly be a new episode any time now.

Millerton resident Theodore Kneeland is a former teacher and coach — and athlete.