Schlock and Awful spring edition: Skin shows, taste goes

Schlock and Awful spring edition: Skin shows, taste goes

A scene from "Godmonster of Indian Flats."

cinepunx.com

It’s been a long, boring winter. Thank goodness for the proliferation of free-with-ads streaming services that specialize in films so majestic and unforgettable that nobody bothered to renew the copyright.

Zombie Nightmare (1987): From the oeuvre of Canadian bodybuilder and hair metal musician Jon Mikl Thor, this tale of small town bigotry, casual misogyny and voodoo zombies lacks the critical component that makes or breaks the exploitation flick: gratuitous nekkidity. Not that any sentient being would want to see this cast, which includes Adam West, nekkid. But it’s the principle of the thing. You can do much better with…

Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare (also 1987): Thor’s showcase flick, starring his hair, his pecs, and his unconventional taste in underwear. Nekkidity abounds. In fact nekkidity drives the plot. With little foam rubber demons, one large economy-sized foam rubber demon, a foam rubber remake of the famous “busting out” scene in “Alien,” and an absolutely ear-shredding soundtrack by Thor and his band, the Tritonz.

Velvet Smooth (1976) is a poor man’s “Foxy Brown” and also the greatest (and only) film in the oeuvre of Emerson Boozer, the poor man’s Rosey Grier. Velvet Smooth (Johnnie Hill) is a private detective and when local kingpin King Lathrop starts having trouble with goons muscling in on his highly lucrative action (protection money from a dry cleaner, a shoeshine guy and a newsie), Velvet Smooth gets the call. Unconvincing kung fu, an illegal casino, cut-rate Diana Ross and the Supremes, and subtle visual commentary on why you don’t want to combine a zebra-striped couch with blonde wood paneling if you are a self-respecting kingpin.

The Happy Hooker Goes Hollywood (1980): The last of three Happy Hooker flicks, starring the immortal Martine Beswick as Xaveria Hollander, the Happy Hooker. Plus Adam West, Phil SIlvers, Chris Lemmon and Richard Deacon. It’s like a slightly raunchy episode of “The Love Boat,” minus the boat. Enough gratuitous nekkidity to advance the plot, which mercifully does not get in the way of the story. As dour Hollywood melodramas go, it’s no “Day of the Locust” or “What Makes Sammy Run,” but there are glimmers of actual human intelligence at work in a scene where the Happy Hooker takes on a snarky TV gossip show host.

In short, it’s almost not bad enough to make the S&A cut. Almost.

Of interest to the ovine community is the utterly baffling “Godmonster of Indian Flats” (1973). Sort of a Western, kinda sci-fi, and loaded with sheep, the movie lurches from setting to setting so abruptly the viewer may lose faith in the space-time continuum. But fear not, there is a giant mutant sheep to the rescue. Also some banjo players and a glad-hander named Elbow Johnson, who features early and then disappears completely. No nekkidity, which is a good thing. One of the bad guys looks a bit like Larry Bird but with more chin. Transfer station fans will enjoy this flick for the lengthy scenes featuring waste disposal. My goodness, how far we’ve come in that department. Baa.

Humble Acknowledgment Department: The Bad Cinema desk hereby admits to stealing the “plot gets in the way of the story” joke from Joe Bob Briggs, which isn’t even his real name. We also announce our plans to build a giant statue of Joe Bob Briggs in a spot where everyone can see it but nobody can do anything about it.

Latest News

Millbrook residents back Thorne Building renovation plans, seek details on lighting and accessibility

Architect Michael Sloan of Millbrook-based firm Sloan architects describes plans for the proposed Thorne Building renovation to the public for the first time at a public hearing of the Millbrook village Planning Board on Monday, March 16, at the Millbrook Firehouse on Front Street.

Photo by Nathan Miller

MILLBROOK — Community members had a chance to weigh in on plans to renovate the Thorne Building on Franklin Avenue into a state-of-the-art event and community center.

Architect Michael Sloan of Millbrook-based Sloan Architects outlined a proposal that includes a rear addition to expand the stage, an enlarged parking lot, new exterior lighting, a front garden and the removal of the portico on the building’s east side. Sloan said the building, originally constructed as a K-12 school, would be transformed into a space for the community to gather and create.

Keep ReadingShow less
Officials divided on allowing restaurants along Route 22

The Irondale district, currently known as Highway Business District III, is comprised of just six parcels along Route 22 that are currently occupied by light industrial businesses.

Photo by Nathan Miller

MILLERTON — Though the Irondale District lies just outside of the Village of Millerton, it has become the center of a divisive conversation as the Town of North East continues to review a significant overhaul of its commercial zoning code.

Irondale, officially known as the Highway Business district under current town code, is a small stretch along Route 22 south of the village that some officials and residents believe could support additional businesses, while others argue development there could undermine efforts to boost Millerton’s existing downtown.

Keep ReadingShow less
google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.

Robin Wall Kimmerer urges gratitude, reciprocity in talk at Cary Institute

Robin Wall Kimmerer inspired the audience with her grassroots initiative “Plant, Baby, Plant,” encouraging restoration, native planting and care for ecosystems.

Aly Morrissey

Robin Wall Kimmerer, the bestselling author of “Braiding Sweetgrass” and a member of the Citizen Potawatomi Nation, urged a sold-out audience at the Cary Institute of Ecosystem Studies on Friday, March 13, to rethink humanity’s relationship with the natural world through gratitude, reciprocity and responsibility.

Introduced by Cary Institute President Joshua Ginsberg, Kimmerer opened the evening by greeting the audience in Potawatomi, the native language of her ancestors, and grounding the talk in a practice of gratitude.

Keep ReadingShow less

Melissa Gamwell’s handmade touch

Melissa Gamwell’s handmade touch
Melissa Gamwell, hand lettering with precision and care.
Kevin Greenberg
"There is no better feeling than working through something with your own brain and your own hands." —Melissa Gamwell

In an age of automation, Melissa Gamwell is keeping the human hand alive.

The Cornwall, Connecticut-based calligrapher is practicing an art form that’s been under attack by machines for nearly 400 years, and people are noticing. For proof, look no further than the line leading to her candle-lit table at the Stissing House Craft Feast each winter. In her first year there, she scribed around 1,200 gift tags, cards, and hand drawn ornaments.

Keep ReadingShow less
Regional 7 students bring ‘The Addams Family’ to the stage

The cast of “The Addams Family” from Northwest Regional School District No. 7 with Principal Kelly Carroll from Ann Antolini Elementary School in New Hartford.

Monique Jaramillo

Nearly 50 students from across the region are helping bring the delightfully macabre world of “The Addams Family” to life in Northwestern Regional School District No. 7’s upcoming production. The student cast and crew, representing the towns of Barkhamsted, Colebrook, New Hartford and Norfolk, will stage the musical March 27 and 28 at 7 p.m., with a 2 p.m. matinee on March 29 in the school’s auditorium in Winsted.

Based on the iconic characters created by Charles Addams, the musical follows Wednesday Addams, who shocks her famously eccentric family by falling in love with a perfectly “normal” young man. When his parents come to dinner at the Addams’ mansion, two very different families collide, leading to an evening of secrets, surprises and unexpected revelations about love and belonging.

Keep ReadingShow less
google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.

google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.