Schlock and Awful spring edition: Skin shows, taste goes

Schlock and Awful spring edition: Skin shows, taste goes

A scene from "Godmonster of Indian Flats."

cinepunx.com

It’s been a long, boring winter. Thank goodness for the proliferation of free-with-ads streaming services that specialize in films so majestic and unforgettable that nobody bothered to renew the copyright.

Zombie Nightmare (1987): From the oeuvre of Canadian bodybuilder and hair metal musician Jon Mikl Thor, this tale of small town bigotry, casual misogyny and voodoo zombies lacks the critical component that makes or breaks the exploitation flick: gratuitous nekkidity. Not that any sentient being would want to see this cast, which includes Adam West, nekkid. But it’s the principle of the thing. You can do much better with…

Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare (also 1987): Thor’s showcase flick, starring his hair, his pecs, and his unconventional taste in underwear. Nekkidity abounds. In fact nekkidity drives the plot. With little foam rubber demons, one large economy-sized foam rubber demon, a foam rubber remake of the famous “busting out” scene in “Alien,” and an absolutely ear-shredding soundtrack by Thor and his band, the Tritonz.

Velvet Smooth (1976) is a poor man’s “Foxy Brown” and also the greatest (and only) film in the oeuvre of Emerson Boozer, the poor man’s Rosey Grier. Velvet Smooth (Johnnie Hill) is a private detective and when local kingpin King Lathrop starts having trouble with goons muscling in on his highly lucrative action (protection money from a dry cleaner, a shoeshine guy and a newsie), Velvet Smooth gets the call. Unconvincing kung fu, an illegal casino, cut-rate Diana Ross and the Supremes, and subtle visual commentary on why you don’t want to combine a zebra-striped couch with blonde wood paneling if you are a self-respecting kingpin.

The Happy Hooker Goes Hollywood (1980): The last of three Happy Hooker flicks, starring the immortal Martine Beswick as Xaveria Hollander, the Happy Hooker. Plus Adam West, Phil SIlvers, Chris Lemmon and Richard Deacon. It’s like a slightly raunchy episode of “The Love Boat,” minus the boat. Enough gratuitous nekkidity to advance the plot, which mercifully does not get in the way of the story. As dour Hollywood melodramas go, it’s no “Day of the Locust” or “What Makes Sammy Run,” but there are glimmers of actual human intelligence at work in a scene where the Happy Hooker takes on a snarky TV gossip show host.

In short, it’s almost not bad enough to make the S&A cut. Almost.

Of interest to the ovine community is the utterly baffling “Godmonster of Indian Flats” (1973). Sort of a Western, kinda sci-fi, and loaded with sheep, the movie lurches from setting to setting so abruptly the viewer may lose faith in the space-time continuum. But fear not, there is a giant mutant sheep to the rescue. Also some banjo players and a glad-hander named Elbow Johnson, who features early and then disappears completely. No nekkidity, which is a good thing. One of the bad guys looks a bit like Larry Bird but with more chin. Transfer station fans will enjoy this flick for the lengthy scenes featuring waste disposal. My goodness, how far we’ve come in that department. Baa.

Humble Acknowledgment Department: The Bad Cinema desk hereby admits to stealing the “plot gets in the way of the story” joke from Joe Bob Briggs, which isn’t even his real name. We also announce our plans to build a giant statue of Joe Bob Briggs in a spot where everyone can see it but nobody can do anything about it.

Latest News

A scenic 32-mile loop through Litchfield County

Whenever I need to get a quick but scenic bicycle ride but don’t have time to organize a group ride that involves driving to a meeting point, I just turn right out of my driveway. That begins a 32-mile loop through some of the prettiest scenery in northern Litchfield County.

I ride south on Undermountain Road (Route 41 South) into Salisbury and turn right on Main Street (Route 44 West). If I’m meeting friends, we gather at the parking area on the west side of Salisbury Town Hall where parking is never a problem.

Keep ReadingShow less
Biking Ancramdale to Copake

This is a lovely ride that loops from Ancramdale north to Copake and back. At just over 23 miles and about 1,300 feet of elevation gain, it’s a perfect route for intermediate recreational riders and takes about two hours to complete.It’s entirely on quiet roads with little traffic, winding through rolling hills, open countryside, picturesque farms and several lakes.

Along the way, you’ll pass a couple of farmstands that are worth a quick visit. There is only one hill that might be described as steep, but it is quite short — probably less than a quarter-mile.

Keep ReadingShow less
North East town records brought into the digital age

Chris Virtuoso reorganized parcel records in the North East Town Hall basement by parcel number during the process of scanning and digitizing the documents.

Photo by Grace DeMarco

MILLERTON — Within the walls of the two-story Victorian housing the North East Town Hall lies a room-full of town records dating back to the late 19th century. Stored in labeled cardboard boxes and protected by dehumidifiers, the records are in the process of being dated, organized, and scanned into categorized online programs.

As the Town Hall works to relocate to 5603 Route 22 at the former Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witness, the consolidation and digitalization of records, as well as the disposal of those unneeded, is a time-sensitive project. Marcy Wheatley, the Deputy Town Clerk, emphasized their current heavy focus on organizing and scanning. “Now, when we move, we can get rid of a lot,” Wheatley stated.

Keep ReadingShow less
Fun, food and facts bring crowds to downtown Millerton

Nora Garcia, 6, of Millerton, bottom right, gets a face painting treatment from Maddy Rowe, a Webutuck High School senior. Nora’s sister, Juliana, 8, top right, is decorated by Giana Kall, a Webutuck senior. The program was sponsored by the Webutuck PTA.

Photo by John Coston

Correction: the Millerton News Street Fair was a collaborative effort between the Millerton News, the Millerton Business Alliance and the North East Community Center.

MILLERTON — Locals and visitors packed into downtown Millerton Saturday, June 28, for the first ever Millerton Street Fair hosted by the Millerton News, the Millerton Business Alliance and the North East Community Center. Representatives from local nonprofits, businesses along Main Street, Bee Bee the Clown and face painters from Webutuck High School drew in crowds all afternoon.

Keep ReadingShow less