Hidden in plain sight

It happens in homes, relationships and families that may look peaceful from the outside. It happens to people we see every day, people we think we know well, and it happens to strangers and acquaintances. Sometimes there is a police report or a court filing. Often, there is not.

Domestic violence is often hidden in plain sight.

That is part of what makes Domestic Violence Awareness Month difficult. The problem is not that people do not know domestic violence exists. It is that abuse can be hard to see, hard to name and hard to talk about.

Here in Dutchess County, Grace Smith House provides confidential services for people experiencing domestic violence, including a 24-hour hotline, counseling, court advocacy, emergency shelter and transitional housing. Its work extends across the county, including the communities of eastern Dutchess.

Abuse can include physical violence, but also threats, intimidation, stalking, isolation, financial control and other efforts to control another person. It can build over time. It can be difficult for friends and family to recognize, and difficult for the person experiencing it to know what to do next.

Awareness also needs to begin before a relationship reaches that point.

Grace Smith House works in schools and communities across Dutchess County on bullying, digital abuse and relationship violence prevention. Young people — and adults — need to understand what healthy relationships look like: respect for boundaries, independence, disagreement without intimidation and the ability to say no without fear.

And when a relationship has become abusive, we still hear some version of the question: Why didn’t they just leave?

There is often no “just” about it.

Leaving can mean finding housing, money, transportation, child care, legal help and a safe place to go. It can mean making all of those decisions while afraid of what may happen next.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month is useful only if awareness leads somewhere — toward recognizing unhealthy behavior earlier, understanding abuse when it occurs and knowing where help can be found.